What I’m Thankful For.

It’s almost Thanksgiving, and although the holiday is founded on genocide, pillaging and rape, it’s crucial that we not overlook what’s really important about it, and that’s how important it is to be thankful. Expressing thanks and generating an attitude of gratitude (hehe that rhymes) is vital to our mental and spiritual health, so in order to keep from feeling like dog shit for the rest of the day, I’ve comprised a random list of what I’m thankful for. Here it goes!

1. A bed to sleep in
2. My house/apartment
3. (flouridated) water
4. Sunlight
5. The atmosphere so we don’t get instantly incinerated by sunlight
6. Eyes to see
7. Glasses to assist my defective eyes to see better
8. Ears to hear beautiful music
9. Good enough taste to recognize horrible music and stay away from it
10. All other senses
11. Arms, legs, hands, feet, and all 10 toes and fingers
12. All properly functioning organs(you guys are the best! XD)
13. My mom
14. My brother
15. Justin
16. Raven
17. Gabriel and Fuzzbutt
18. All other cats in the world, with their cute little noses and ears. I want them on my bed and on a rainbow.
19. FINE! All animals.
20. Penguins get their own line.
21. I’m thankful for hot sex!
22. Condoms and birth control
23. The right to get abortions
24. My vagina
25. My decently slim body and moderately attractive looks (at least I have a face, some people don’t A.K.A Chimpanzee woman :P)
26. My phone
27. My internet
28. All electronics
29. My friends, teachers, and anyone else in my life who has ever showed me kindness
30. I’m thankful for all the food I get to eat
31. I am especially thankful for Paul who buys it for us
32. I am thankful I have access to health care (that’s big)
33. Love
34. Compassion
35. Kindness
36. Pain and suffering, without which we could not fully appreciate any of the above
37. Science
38. Imagination and creativity
39. All forms of art
40. And I suppose I’ll end this now by saying I’m thankful to be alive.

What is this fear?

What is this fear that is holding me back from accomplishing all that I want to? Is it the fear that what I make or do will never be good enough? But by who’s standards of good enough am I basing that judgement on? My own, the figures of my past, could it be society’s in general?

I am forced to consider the possibility that maybe Adam was right, maybe he was justified in getting angry at me, because he could see I never did or created anything substantial with my time, I just let myself waste away. But as I remember, I was a lot more creative in middle school. I would draw pictures, I would write, I would read books, then the end of Freshman year I started becoming increasingly depressed. That’s when all my creativity started slowly diminishing, giving Adam even more reason to belittle me. So was I really like that to begin with, or did I start creating self fulfilling prophecies by being tormented over and over again about why I’m not better than I already am? It’s classic psychology, if you’re told something over and over again, you will start to believe it, then your beliefs create your reality. He was the only one in my life that I had to look up to. I didn’t have enough self-esteem back then, because I believed his toxic lies like a religion, but I was doing pretty good for a 13 year old who’s father just died and who’s mother who drowned out the pain with drugs.

Now I feel I am stuck in that perpetual age of 13. Deep down inside, I still feel like my 13 year old self, the little girl who had nothing left and no one to trust, except a grown man who was still a little kid himself. A grown man who projected all of his fucked up insecurities and expectations on a kid who looked up to him more than anything, who just wanted someone to support and guide her.

Now here I am, almost 7 years later and I still have not gotten over it. I still hear his sardonic voice in my head, taunting me, humiliating me, and making me question my own self worth. Indeed, I have improved significantly since I last saw him, which was about 3 years ago, but I am a long, long way from overcoming this emotional trauma. The real question is: where do I go from here? That question alone brings up so many other questions. Is it right to blame him (among others in my past) for my unhappiness? If not, is my depression and lack of productivity entirely my own fault then? I think the answer is not so black and white. I need to learn to take responsibilty for my own happiness and direction in life, but not blame myself when I am not where I should be. The line between learning to take responsibilty and engaging in self-blame is so thin though. It’s difficult to know when you’ve crossed over too far.

 

Whatever, I do what I want!

I’ve started this blog thing over a week ago, and I’ve only made 3 entries so far. It’s not TOO bad, but I should probably start writing more. Ideally, I would like to wait until I am inspired to start writing, but knowing me, nothing’s going to get done until I finally just sit down and make myself do it. It will be good for me, and in more than one way. Slowly with practice, my stream of consciousness writing should help me overall with any writing in general, mainly just forcing myself to articulate whatever needs to be said. Sometimes that’s all you can do. I’ve failed so many timed essays before, because I would spend the whole time just thinking about what i wanted to say. Sometimes, you just have to write it down, regardless. Also, hopefully this help increase my typing speed in the long run. I honestly do need to practice that.

And now to write about what the fuck I feel like!!! I will start with tacos. I made breakfast tacos this morning, big woop. Actually, they were succulent and delicious. Ich bin das Sheiza. That means I am the shit in German. DON”T JUDGE ME! Right now I’m trying to type the correct way. It’s pissing me off. I keep having to hit backspace because I keep hitting the wrong keys when I’m only off by one letter. Stupid fingers. I’ll just chop them off.  Sigh….I wish I stuck with panio. so much wasted potential. Maybe I should stop dwelling on that. It’s just going to make me feel like shit. Afterall, it’s still not too late to change that.

Thank You

Thank you for never supporting me,

Thank you for making me believe I was nobody,

Thank you for tearing me down each day,

Thank you for dissolving my spirit away.

I know you were right and your prophecies came true,

Now I am nothing and I will never be you.

Are you happy now with what you created?

An innocent life, corrupted and devastated.

And for all the hell you put me through,

Thank you for this life I should have never been born into.

Balancing Masculine and Feminine energy

Woman freaks out when her husband is acting distant. She thinks it's her fault. The guy's acting quiet all day because he can't figure out what's wrong with his motorcycle. (Sorry, picture is kinda fuzzy)

 

I stumbled across this picture on facebook, and automatically I was captivated by the humor of the irony of the situation. Not only is the situation ironic, it is immensly relatable, because it’s something I’m sure almost everyone deals with in their relationships. I know I have! So don’t you hate it when this happens?

Then I began to ask myself, why does this happen and what can we do to fix it? Comminication is so essential in a relationship, without it, frustration, confusion and anxiety begin to develop, especially for the woman. So my answer was simple. The man needs to learn how to suck up his pride and effectively communicate what he’s feeling, and the woman needs to quit jumping to conclusions, always assuming the worst case scenario, like it’s about her every time her husband/boyfriend acts distant. Granted, easier said than done!

I shared my conclusion on facebook, to which one of my friends retorted by explaining that’s how we get soft, metrosexual men and overly agressive alpha-male women. It seemed like a very far fetched assumption, when my only intention was to point out how both sexes could help each other communicate better, and save all that frustration. I understood where he was coming from though, and how some people can cross the line.

It’s true there’s a phenomenon of what George Carlin calls “the pusification of the American male.” A generation of soft, fruity and non-threatening men. While it’s important to maintain the integrity of your own gender, you also don’t want to become too rigidly stuck to those roles. I do understand those roles are there for a reason though. Masculine and feminine energy are there to complement each other. If a women is too much in her masculine, the man isn’t going to want to treat her like the lady she is, he’s going to want to compete. If a man is too much in his feminine, she’s probably not going to be very attracted to him. She’s going to go for a man she feels could protect her. Although this dichotomy of opposing sexual energies are meant to complement each other, being too rigidly bound to them can have adverse affects as well. A woman too much in her feminine will be highly emotional, overly sensitive, irrational and unfocused. It would be wise of her to embrace some more masculine aspects like assertiveness and the ability to think more logically. The same could be said for men who are too much in their masculine. You get agressiveness, wars, and constant competition. It wouldn’t be too far-fetched too say some men in this world could benefit from a little  bit of empathy and sensitivity.

While you don’t want to overdo it and switch to the polar opposite side of the spectrum, there is nothing inherently wrong with learning to embrace characteristics from both energies. It’s all about maintaining balance, harmony and an asperation for personal growth. Especially if embracing those characteristics will help you learn how to communicate better in your relationships.

Dun Dun DUN! Chelsea’s blog is now in action.

Hello world!

After a few perplexing hours of figuring out how to navigate, decorate, and master this site, I am writing my first blog post! There were a few technical difficulties trying to customize my page, my computer is not the most advanced in cooperating with me in this demanding, high tech life style. I assure you though, my page will only continue to grow more awesome with time.

I’ve decided to start blogging out of the realization that I have no other outlet to share all my thoughts and ideas with the public, other than facebook. Not to mention, I’m starting to get the impression all my controversial political posts are becoming annoying. Perhaps I don’t need to expose all my friends and family to my ranting conspiracy theories. Haha

I will try as best as I can to keep this blog updated as much as possible. With my voice now reaching a much broader audience than facebook, hopefully my distinct take on issues will resonate with the rest of the world.